Couple of tips for you that came out of a conversation with a buddy of mine last week who died on the operating table but was startled back to life when he heard the doctors discussing what they were going to charge him.
This friend of mine, Eddie, had a near death experience while on the operating table and after he saw the bright light and all and after he was all at peace and no longer jumpy about anything major, a guy next to him who was waiting to get into Heaven was asked by St. Peter if he had ever written “LOL” or “LMAO” but did not actually laugh out loud or lose his ass and when the man said yes, St. Peter sent him straight to Hell, no questions asked. That’s a true story so if you’re religious make sure every LOL or LMAO you write is strictly nonfiction.
Another thing not to do during a near death experience if you should meet people on the other side, is comment on their weight or appearance in the event they might have let themselves go a bit after departing the planet. Eternal life is no place to cultivate grudges.
Finally, should you run into or require the assistance of any Heavenly employees while on your out of body experience, the standard tip for someone who points you to the light is $20, $30 for someone who has to physically drag you and/or push you into the light because you are unable to reach the destination on your own and should you meet St. Peter with plans to go through the Pearly Gates, the tip is $100 but be sure to fold the bill into a tiny wad and slip it to him very discreetly when you shake his hand. God does not accept tips but it is commonly known that He has never turned down a Taylor Ham and Cheese sandwich on a hard roll.
© 2012 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett