1. A chimpanzee will run against an incumbent Congressman from PA and win but will later be censured for removing a large clump of hair from the head of House Speaker John Boehner during the primate’s swearing in ceremony.
2. Country music star Taylor Swift’s mother will write the highest grossing bad breakup single of her daughter’s career and it will be called, “Let’s Face It, I’m Nuts”.
3. A stolen diary taken from North Korean leader Kim Jong-un will reveal that the young man has absolutely no interest in running the country and “longs for the day when I can throw away this silly uniform and reign supreme as the head stylist at Supercuts.”
KCNA/Reuters Copyright 2013 The New York Times Company
4. Part 2 of “The Hobbit” will be released and because no one will remember any details from the torturously tedious Part 1, Part 2 will really just be Part 1 but shown in reverse.
5. An avalanche will take place on Mount Rushmore when the heads of Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and Theodore Roosevelt attack the head of Abraham Lincoln for failing to heed their warnings to stop dropping the names of Daniel Day Louis, Steven Spielberg, Tommy Lee Jones and Sally Field into every single conversation.
6. United Airlines will enter the consumer space travel business and reap wild profits when an industrious flight attendant stumbles upon the idea of charging passengers for 15-minute supplies of oxygen from a modified food cart.
7. A major beer company will produce a commercial that makes sense to people who have not been struck by lightning.
8. Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richards, will be arrested for drug possession in Indonesia, executed by firing squad and perform at the Grammy Awards three weeks later.
9. On September 14th at 8:15 PM, the news pundits on CNN will run completely out of things to talk about and then spend the next 48 hours analyzing how running out of things to talk about could have happened and what it means for us.
10. Donald Trump will say something really dumb.
© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett