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The Words of Christopher Columbus

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Myron:  Edgar and me are pleased as punch to tell you that Christopher Columbus himself has apparently just wandered across the transom of universal mystery as we like to call it to have a little chat.  Just as a reminder, we never know who’s going to take a peek on the other side and pay Ol’ Edgar and me here a visit.  We just know they’re famous for something.   Sometimes you hit one out of the park like today with Chris and other times you bump up against a real crumb bun like Leona Helmsley.

I was puttin’ Edgar in for the night when all of a sudden he got all riled up and kicked an 18 inch hole right through the back of his stable.  It was that New York hotel magnet, Leona Helmsley, cursing up a blue streak and telling someone on the other side that something she ordered weren’t right.  Then she commenced to hollerin’ at me and Edgar for thirty minutes.  You couldn’t have stopped that woman from complaining even if you hit her over the head with a ball-peen hammer.  Just for the record, her dog’s ok and loyal, too.  Wouldn’t say nothin’ negative about the Queen of Mean and lord knows we tried to coax it out of him while she was screaming at us.   Poor devil probably has to rely on her for his meals up there.  It’s the only logical thing I can think of that would keep that little feller from wrapping his jaws around that woman’s gullet and not letting go until eternity said uncle.

Mr. Columbus, it is a pleasure meetin’ you and as I’m sure you know we still take a day off once a year, it’s always on a Monday so we get a three-day weekend out of it while also giving the mattress folks a chance to run a decent sale or two but most of all, we take off that Monday to celebrate the fact you discovered America.

Christopher Columbus:  Thank you, Myron and Edgar.  The pleasure is all mine and after getting to know your Andy Warhol here, the fact that my original 15 minutes has passed and you still remember me after all these centuries is quite an honor!

Myron:  Well, what would you expect when you’re the man that put the ol’ U.S. of A on the map?  That was on purpose, right?  You coming to America?  There’s some folks say you kind of stumbled in and was actually headed someplace else but got mixed up.   Didn’t you first think that where you landed was Asia?

Christopher Columbus:  It’s a complicated story, Myron.

Myron:   I’m all ears.  So’s Edgar.  Literally.

Christopher Columbus:  That’s funny.   There’s been a lot of talk that I did not actually realize that I had discovered a new continent and that I thought I was on the east coast of Asia of all places.  Just ridiculous, really, when you think about it.  As you know, Christopher Columbus is still revered as an accomplished sea captain and navigator who had sailed all over the world.  So trust me when I tell you, my good man, Christopher Columbus was fully aware that he had discovered a new continent.

Myron:  That’s a football thing you’re doing there.

Christopher Columbus:  A what?

Myron:   A football thing.  Professional football players do that all the time.   They refer to themselves in the, what the heck do they call that?  Oh, yeah.  Third person.  Like if Ray Lewis was talking.  He plays for the Baltimore Ravens.  They made it to the Superbowl this year but I can’t root for them.  I won’t bore you with the details why.  Ray Lewis, he might say to a reporter,  “Ray Lewis has to do what’s right for Ray Lewis.”  It’s cocky if you ask me.

Christopher Columbus:  Who’s asking you?  It’s merely a manner of speech and in my case, one that I employ from time to time when I feel the need to emphasize the contributions I have made to society, to science and navigation, to the discovery of unknown civilizations and may I add, the colonization of your U.S. of A, as you so eloquently put it.

Myron:  Still think it’s cocky.  I talked like that in my town, POP!  I’d wake up with a crowd around me.  You know there’s nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake.

Christopher Columbus:  I didn’t make a mistake and perhaps it’s time to end our conversation.  I believe all this Christopher Columbus talk is starting to bore me.

Myron:    Myron Weed agrees.  Do me a favor.  Can you see if Andy Warhol’s still around?

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett