Tag Archives: fish

The Words of Ben Franklin


Myron:  Well, Ol’ Edgar and I are pleased as punch to have made contact with Benjamin Franklin, himself!  You never know who’s going to come across that transom of universal mystery as we like to call it or how long they’ll stay and sometimes you get real lucky like today and other times, well, sometimes you end up with someone like Shelley Winters and can’t get a word in edgewise.   Mr. Franklin, it surely is an honor to be communicating with you today and I sure do have a lot of questions about your life and all those inventions and contributions to society they say you made.

Ben Franklin:  It’s an honor to be speaking with you as well my good man and may I say, Edgar speaks very highly of you.  You should be proud.

Myron:  I am sir.  That horse and me been through thick and thin.  He’s kind of like the mistress I never had.   That didn’t exactly come out right but if there’s time later on,  remind me and I’ll try to explain what I meant there.   So let’s get down to it, have you seen this show we have down here called “The Big Bang Theory“?

Ben Franklin:  The what?

Myron:  “The Big Bang Theory”!  About them two boys that’re nuclear physicists and what not.  Been on television for like, I don’t know, six years!  What I want to know is, you smarter than those fellers?  Tryin’ to gauge your smarts from the 1700’s against theirs in our time.  Kind of see who comes out on top.

Ben Franklin:   I don’t know anything about the big bang theory, I’m sorry,  but you’re probably aware that my research back in 1750 lead directly to the invention of electricity.  Without electricity, most of what…

Myron:  Look who’s dodging our question, Edgar!  I forgot, you was a politician, too.  Alright, let’s talk politics then.   Why’d y’all wear those wigs?  I always figured you did it so you and your pals all looked the same and could keep going up to those all you can eat buffets but only pay for one guy.  Is that it?  That sounds like a politician thing to do, don’t it ,Edgar?

Ben Franklin:   The wigs were really nothing more than the fashion of the times, Myron.   Surely you have hair fashions now that didn’t exist in the 1700’s.

Myron:  We’re kind of all over the place, Mr. Franklin,  but a lot of men these days shave their heads completely bald.  Between us girls,  I think it looks ridiculous.  Now I read somewhere that you said something about house guests and fish all beginning to stink after three days.  You say that?

Ben Franklin:    Yes, I did say something like that, but it was under a pseudonym I used when publishing “Poor Richard’s Almanack”.  The name I published under was Richard Saunders.

Myron:   Well, it really don’t matter to me who said it, but boy, whoever it was, hit it right smack on the head.

Ben Franklin:   I said it.  As I explained, I simply published under a pseudonym.

Myron:   I can probably see why’d you’d do a thing like that.  Answer me this.  Was it your mother-in-law you were thinking about when you come up with it?  When I first heard it I said, man, that guy’s got to be talking about his mother-in-law!  You was married, weren’t you?  My mother-in-law passed a couple years back but even to this very day, I hear the sound of a suitcase zipper, my heart starts hammering like it’s going to jump out of my chest and keep going till it wins the Boston Marathon and the New York both!

Ben Franklin:    As a matter of fact, it was my mother-in-law.

Myron:   What the hell’s he whispering for, Edgar?

Ben Franklin:   She’s here.  With me and my wife.

Myron:  Your mother-in-law’s up there with you?  That means my mother-in-law…  Good god almighty.  I don’t know why I never even gave that a minute of thought.  I always figured once that woman was buried six feet in the ground it was goodnight Irene.  You seen a tall, stern lookin’ woman up there, looks at everybody like they stole her Hummel collection…  Wait.  Don’t tell me even if you do know.  Good god almighty…

Ben Franklin:   If it’s any consolation, my friend, it’s not quite the same up here as it is where you are.  You see…

Myron:   You don’t have to sugar coat it for my sake, Mr. Franklin.  And for the record, you’re still whispering.

Ben Franklin:   Maybe we should change the subject.  Perhaps you’d like to know a little more about my involvement in the Declaration of Independence.  There’s a lot more than what’s written in the history books and Myron, what I’m about to tell you, no one has ever heard before.

Myron:   Maybe next time, if you’re able to come back, uh, Ben.  C’mon, Edgar.  Feel like I been kicked in the head by a mule…

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett