Boy, the 2016 Presidential election pool keeps growing every day! Every time someone else announces that they intend to seek the Presidential office, I get more and more excited. It’s like an unconscious remake of “It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World” except, you know, with bad acting.
I was thinking about running for President myself and I reached out to the Koch brothers and they said they would give all they had to back me should I decide to make a go of it. Unfortunately, the Kochs of whom I speak are not the billionaire industrialists Kochs, Dave and Charley, they’re the identical twin Kochs, Mason and Milton from Goss Town, MO, and all they have of value is a rooster that bears a striking resemblance to the late comic actor, Morey Amsterdam.
That's Mason there at the counter, Milton was running late and the person taking the picture had to go, but if they were together, you'd wouldn't know who was who unless Milton was wearing that shirt that said "Milton" on it.
I did reach out to Dave and Charley, and as unbelievable as it may sound, they offered to support my campaign and promised to donate $147MM but only if I could convince my hacker nephew, Warren, to remove all the movies, documentaries and TV shows on Netflix that “had mean or insensitive things about rich people in them.” I declined their offer and they seemed fine with it but a week, maybe a week and a half later, I heard some noise in the kitchen and when I came in to investigate there was a 450 lb alligator eating our box of Brillo Pads. I’m sure they had nothing to do with it but how that thing managed to climb up 33 floors and into our apartment is still a bit of a mystery.
Truth be told, I’d never run for a political office, even if I had the support. Being a politician goes against everything I stand for which is essentially standing up every time one of them enters a room I’m in and then running through the nearest door or window depending upon my level of anxiety.
But I’m digressing as always. I created this political/entertainment mashup, as the kids say these days, to poke a little fun at our political process such as it is. I swapped out Edie Adams, Sid Caesar, Phil Silvers, Dorothy Provine, Ethel Merman, Milton Berle, Dick Shawn, Mickey Rooney, Terry Thomas, Buddy Hackett, Jonathan Winters, Eddie “Rochester” Anderson and Peter Falk for Hilary Clinton, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Elizabeth Warren, Carly Fiorina, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, Marco Rubio, Bernie Sanders, Chris Christie, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Not saying it’s a fair trade, especially if you’ve seen the movie, but I feel it’s apropos to the current political climate we’re in.
You may have noticed that I left Spencer Tracy in. I did that for myself because I find it easier to trust someone who doesn’t mind admitting to enjoying a stiff drink every now and again.
Here’s to the 2016 Presidential election. I need a drink.
© 2015 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett