John Kerry’s Response to Quinniapiac Poll

NOVEMBER 28th, 2006: WASHINGTON (Reuters) – Democratic Sen. John Kerry, considering a second bid for the U.S. presidency, finished dead last in a poll released on Monday on the Likeability of 20 top American political figures.

Tuesday morning, November 28th. 9:15 a.m. Russell Senate Office Building. Transcript of a meeting between Senator John Kerry and his chief of staff, Dave.

Kerry: Any chance they mixed me up with Bob?

Dave: No, sir. We checked with the people at Quinnipiac.

Kerry: Well at least I came out ahead of Pelosi. Everybody knows
that woman eats her young.

Dave: Pelosi came in 12th. Again, you were dead last in the Quinnipiac likeability poll of top politicians and potential presidential candidates and we’d be better off figuring out what we’re going to do about repairing your image than rehashing everyone else on the list who came in ahead of you.

Kerry: You’re right, you’re right. It’s only a ridiculous public opinion poll anyway. The most important thing – wait. What about Hillary? You’re not going to tell me…

Dave: Ninth.

Kerry: Son of a! Let me see that list again.

Dave: I’m not showing it to you. Can we please move on? I’ve got several image makeover ideas that I’d like to run by you before we present them to the full staff.

Kerry: Is likeability even a word? I’ve been watching “Wheel of Fortune” for years and I never saw likeability once. Where’s the dictionary?

Dave: First scenario. We get your wife Teresa to appear on that “Wife Swap” show on ABC.

Kerry: Your joking. She’s a madwoman.

Dave: Exactly. Once America has an opportunity to sees your wife running a household, every man, woman, child – hell –every pet in this country would think you were a saint.

Kerry: Or an idiot for putting up with her for all these years.

Dave: Let’s try and remain positive. After her appearance on network television and the insinuation of what your home life must be like, you might even land another Purple Heart.

Kerry: I don’t know. I still think we’re over reacting to this whole poll thing. I mean really, let’s keep things in perspective. Bush didn’t even make the list!

Dave: Fifteenth. He came in at number fifteen.

Kerry: We’re talking 41, right?

Dave: Forty-three.

Kerrey:(audible sigh) What else do you have?

Dave: Second scenario. We call Dr. Roux

Kerry: Who’s he?

Dave: The doctor that invented that gastric bypass surgery to help obese people stop eating.

Kerry: I’m not seeing the connection here.

Dave: We get him to sew your mouth shut for the next year or so until we have enough time to script and rehearse every single word you utter in public beginning the moment after the stitches are removed until the day after the election in ’08.

Kerry: I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.

Dave: If you think you can keep that up for a year – you wouldn’t need the surgery.

Kerry: I’ve got to be in the Senate in ten minutes. Anything else?

Dave: Final scenario. I’ve already spoken to their agents who think this is a great idea by the way, and I can book you with Mel Gibson and Michael Richards on their “mea culpa” university tour that kicks off next Saturday at UCLA. Rush Limbaugh’s opening for them on the east coast dates to purge the Michael J. Fox snafu from his demographic and they’ve got Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell doing what I hear is a very poignant song and dance anger management thing for the west coast dates. Twyla Tharp did the choreography and she’s fantastic. That Billy Joel show ran forever.

Kerry: Not a chance. First of all, my Iraq joke was nothing compared to what Gibson and Richards said. I didn’t mean to insult anybody, it just came out wrong! I blew the punchline for God sake! Is that the reason America hates me, because I’m a lousy joke teller? Why aren’t they going after Conan O’Brien?

Dave: Variety is already calling “mea culpa” this year’s Lalapalooza for the foot in mouth set.

Kerry: Gingrich?

Dave: Seventeenth.

Kerry: Find out if Dr. Roux takes Blue Cross.