News of the Day, January 16, 2013

News of the Day

According to the Associated Press News Service, emergency room visits tied to the intake of energy drinks have doubled since 2007.  While the trend indicates rising health risks for individuals who consume energy drinks in large quantity, there is some good news for hospital admission personnel who report that the speed in which those patients are able to complete their insurance forms has also doubled since 2007.

A report issued by scientists from Duke University asserting that prolonged marijuana use during teen years lead to a drop in IQ has been challenged by researchers at the Ragnar Frisch Center for Economic Research in Oslo, who contend that the IQ drop may have nothing to do with marijuana but could be linked to socioeconomic factors such as income, education and occupation.  A spokesperson for the Duke research project when asked to respond to the Norwegians’ claims that the study findings were indeed flawed, told reporters, “Whatever, man.”

Roughly 230 University of Amsterdam professors or their significant others became violently ill last week after attending the school’s yearly faculty party.  Doctors who treated the patients cited food poisoning as the cause of the outbreak but later had to backpedal from their single diagnosis after learning that an Adam Sandler film had been aired at the same time from a television set located directly above the buffet.

More than 8,000 New York City school bus drivers went out on strike this morning forcing more than 300,000 parents to have to listen to their children singing “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” from the back seat of their cars.

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

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