News of the Day, January 15, 2013

News of the Day

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas Speaks Publicly, First Time Since 2006

The mystery surrounding exactly what Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said in court yesterday, marking the first time he has spoken publicly since 2006, has been solved.   Judge Thomas told reporters he was merely explaining what Jodie Foster was talking about when she gave her acceptance speech at the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday night.

Bi-Partisan Congressional Group, No Labels, Meets in New York

A dozen or so members of Congress, assembled as part of the No Labels movement, a group calling for greater bipartisan effort in Washington politics,  met in a hotel ballroom in New York yesterday to discuss why  Congress was so ineffective and why Americans hated them so much.  After 12 minutes, the team of senators and representatives ended discussions when it was determined that they could not reach bipartisan consensus on why Americans hated them or why they were so ineffective.  The group then boarded limousines and met again for ice cream sundaes at Serendipity on 60th Street when one of  the representatives pointed out that the meeting was being paid for with taxpayer dollars, stating, “We might as well get something out of this.”

According to Serendipity waitperson, Holly Wischuzen, Democrats squared off with Republicans over how much to tip her and the entire party was forcibly escorted off the premises by members of the kitchen staff.   While dismayed with the outcome of the inaugural meeting, No Labels leaders, Jon Huntsman and Senator Joe Manchin vowed to press on and have already scheduled an intensive 10-day meeting  at the Wakaya Club and Spa in Fiji.

Lance Armstrong Meets with Oprah Winfrey to Discuss Doping Charges

According to insiders, Lance Armstrong has confessed to Oprah Winfrey during an interview that will be aired Thursday, January 17th, that he used performance enhancing drugs to win bike races including the Tour de France.   In addition, Mr. Armstrong also confessed that he never used performance-enhancing drugs to win bike races including the Tour de France.  When challenged by Ms. Winfrey that his confessions directly contradicted each other, Mr. Armstrong produced a coin from his pocket and asked Ms. Winfrey to “pick heads for doping, tails for not doping, so that we can put the whole business to rest.”  However, upon closer examination, Ms. Winfrey realized the coin had tails on both sides and wrapped up the interview by asking Armstrong a couple of questions about Sheryl Crow’s exercise habits.

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

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