Monkey Bellhop Movie Review: Three Olive Vodka with Clive Owen


Three Olive Vodka

Well, before I start off, let me give you a warning.  The producers had to have been so disappointed with how this movie turned out that it went straight to the Internet.  Here it is.  In it’s entirety.   If you  want to watch it first before I give my review; that totally fine.  I’ll wait.

Ok, let’s start breaking “Three Olive Vodka” down.  Now I greatly admire Clive Owen as an actor and if you ever saw him in his breakout performance in “Croupier”, you know what a capable and versatile artist he is.  But this movie has no plot whatsoever, it’s always dark and every scene is almost pitch black and I’m thinking they had to film at night because they couldn’t afford permits and I’m also thinking that so much of what they shot must not have come out at the film developers because who makes a movie that’s only one minute long?   The coming attractions for movies are twice as long as that, for Pete’s sake!  Can you imagine the preview for “Three Olive Vodka”?   Probably just have one of the ushers run up on stage and show everyone the poster.

I feel really bad for Clive Owen because I think someone pulled the wool over his eyes with what this film was going to be about and they must have promised him the moon to be in it but all he got for his hard work and participation was a dented hubcap or whatever the equivalent of what a dented, useless hubcap would be if one found something that was both manufactured but subsequently deemed to be worthless on the moon because it was only a tiny part of something with greater value like a Smart Car.  And “Three Olive Vodka “is no Smart Car, I assure you.

Here’s what I think it’s about and you can thank me later, because I had to watch this like 17 times before I could even hazard a guess.  Everyone thinks being a movie reviewer is all glamor and walking on carpet that’s been temporarily placed over cement so rich people won’t get Plantar’s Fasciitis when collecting awards but it’s days like this, boy.

The movie opens and it’s dark — so it’s night time– and that’s when people tend to do things they don’t want other people to see, like waste good money to see “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy” (see Monkey Bellhop Movie Review from 1/17/2013).  There are several shots of bridges, twinkling lights and water (I’m assuming it’s the Liffey because that’s the only river in Europe I heard of and I can’t even recall how I heard of it so that means most other people who are more aware of geography must really be familiar with this body of water.)  Anyway, there’s a woman in the film and she’s kind of shadowy looking and mysterious because as I mentioned earlier, they filmed the entire movie using a table lamp with a 40 watt bulb in it — you could shoot an eight-week old Golden Retriever puppy with the same lighting and he’d come out looking like one of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.

The woman is connected to Clive Owen because later on they share a taxi cab although where they are going is hard to tell because you never even see a driver, so there’s a chance the car’s been parked someplace but the door was left unlocked.  The woman is very attractive and glamorous and you can tell she’d be great to date for a couple of weeks but after the excitement and sexual tension wore off, she’d be pretty high maintenance.   You can also tell the relationship must be well past the infatuation stage because before they meet in the cab, Clive Owen downs a Slurpee sized glass of vodka in an apartment (could be his or perhaps the cabbie’s apartment — they never tell you) and then he and the lady both put a huge dent in another bottle of vodka later on so there could be a “Days of Wine and Roses” angle in the works –which wouldn’t be bad — but then the director wraps the whole thing up with a shot of a bus,  leaving the audience to scratch their heads and wonder who was on it – I’m thinking it was the lighting guy who must have quit the first day of shooting when he found out his check bounced, ha ha! — and what the future holds for Clive Owen and his lady friend who clearly have vodka on the brain.

I give “Three Olive Vodka” a D- and really can’t recommend it to anyone.  However, if you want to read a review from a critic who loved it, check out Jeffrey Lyons.  He said, “Three Olive Vodka is the Driving Miss Daisy of distilled liquor made from wheat!”

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

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