May 24, 2013: Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”

monkey bellhop, john hartnett, entertainment humor, comedy, comedy writers, humor writers, satire, parody, jokes, humorous jokes, astrology, horoscopes, psychics, predictions, swamiMemorial Day Weekend.  “Summertime, and the living is easy”.  That’s from “Porgy and Bess”.  I forget who wrote the lyrics of that song but if you told me it was someone who once held a Congressional seat, I’d believe you.

Anyway, as I put pen to paper, at this very moment it’s…  Wait.  That’s not even remotely how it works any more.  As I put fingers to keyboard and the keyboard sends a series of x’s and o’s to my computer which converts those x’s and o’s into letters then words and sentences  people can read on their computers, smart phones, Ipads, Nooks, Kindles, Blackberrys and Palm Pilots – ha! Remember Palm Pilots?  Technology’s version of Jiffy Pop — Oh, God where am I?

Let me start over.  I accidentally broke a bottle of cooking sherry this morning while reaching for it from the top shelf of a cabinet and I think most of it soaked into my scalp, so bear with me.

As I put fingers to keyboard (see above for full explanation of how that works) it’s Friday afternoon here in NJ, the rain is cascading down in sheets and it’s so unseasonably cold that I had two Jehovah’s Witnesses ring my bell and tell me they’d convert to the religion of my choice if I let them stand in front of my oven for 15 minutes.

Can’t seem to catch a break with the weather this spring and it’s supposed to rain for the next couple of days so for those of us living in the New York metro area, we have a better shot of drowning in our living rooms than getting sunburn.  On the upside, we can save money on sunscreen.  That’s some racket.  A 3 ounce tube costs something like $9.  I don’t know how the sunscreen people come up with their pricing but my gut feeling is that it must be tied into OPEC somehow.

What’s all this have to do with your horoscope?  Nothing.  I’m not even going to pretend. Here we go.

It’s supposed to be a full moon this weekend (still waiting confirmation from my nephew who’s interning over at the observatory at the junior college in town) with voiding of Mercury offset by careening thoughts of melancholy and languishing heavenly polarity and unparalleled chemistry between Sagittarius and Allysa Milano, current star of the new ABC drama, “Mistresses”.   On the other side of the universe, Mars and Jupiter are not speaking, and Pluto, as always, is in the middle.  “Pluto, please tell Jupiter, he left the Aurora Borealis on all night.”  “Pluto, tell Mars that God called and told me to tell her that He’s not her biological father.”

As it is a three day, holiday weekend, the star and planets seem to sense this and have congealed themselves in such a way as to make the conditions perfect for relaxation, celebrating the onset of summer with friends and relatives and protecting people from the negative health effects of voluntarily ingesting hot dogs but only until 3:30 pm EST on Monday when Mercury enters a period of retribution which Mars says is inextricably tied to a Napoleonic complex Mercury suffers from.  While this won’t affect your weekend one way or the other, it might interest you to know that Mercury isn’t speaking to Mars either.

Good news. My nephew just called to confirm that it is not only a full moon, but what is called a “Super Moon”.  This is the time of the month when the moon is at its closest to the Earth.   The horoscopical significance for you?  I don’t know.  My nephew didn’t have time to tell me because it was Friday and his boss was giving him the evil eye.  Apparently this guy has a thing for free chicken wings and every Friday he runs around like a crazy person trying to get everything wrapped up early so he can make it to Frenchy’s in Roselle Park in time for Happy Hour.

One final note. If you live between North Carolina and Connecticut and are planning to do yard work this weekend instead of enjoying the welcoming embrace of summer at pools, outdoor cafes or at the beach, be aware that there is a cicada “thing” happening and literally billions of these creatures will be bursting out after spending 17 years underground to swarm all over your trees.  And like the average high school student who shares a similar gestation period, these devils are capable of making an interminable racket at decibel levels high enough to drive the Dalai Lama himself to beg my nephew’s boss for a lift to Frenchy’s.  My non astrological advice?  Hold off on the gardening and turn up the music.

Have a great weekend and a wonderful Memorial Day!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

7 thoughts on “May 24, 2013: Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope””

  1. My dear John:
    You have some mistakes in your essay and I will, of course, point them out to you.
    The first problem is that you bought “cooking sherry” instead of just a good sherry. You deserve to have a shampoo with it.Beats cooking with it.
    Secondly, sunscreen never comes in a 3 oz. container so it can be confiscated in the airport, forcing a new purchase at twice the outrageous original price once you arrive at the resort.
    Allyso Milano………
    The fourth misjudgement is thinking in some way that it not necessary to secure a seat at Frenchy’s on a Holiday weekend for Happy Hour.
    I guess you can blame in on “the time of the month”.
    I hope you enjoy your weekend and there will always be next weekend to join the lawn derby!
    Dory

  2. Happy Memorial Day Weekend, John. “Summertime, and the living is easy,” love that song. Btw, it was written by George Gershwin, and the late, great Sam Cooke has a wonderful version of it.

    I’m not in Jersey these days, I’m in Maryland, and the weather has been crappy here as well, too much rain this spring, enough already. Appreciate the info on the “super moon,” and that explains why the moon seemed extra bright in the night sky. I am choosing to ignore your comment about the cicadas, because if I pretend they are not there, maybe I won’t see them LOL. Those buggers can do damage to a garden! Holding off on gardening and turning up the music is excellent advice. Have a fun holiday. 🙂

    1. Thanks, JL. I actually knew who wrote “Summertime” but in my skewed up life, the joke always comes first! For the past several years we have had a summertime invasion of cicada killers, a large wasp that leaves mounds of dirt all over the lawn. They are docile but intimidating and I would prefer they move on as they swarm all over the yard. I have a feeling the population may increase this summer!

      Happy Memorial Day!

  3. Memorial Day weekend is the start of the summer season and it’s finally sunny and nice here in NYC at around 70 degrees! Cicadas are out here too in spots and we can hear them sing. Enjoy the day and also remember the true meaning of this holiday as it is very somber for many.

  4. You’re right about the tone of the holiday, Phil. It’s also a time for our leaders to reflect on whether or not they are doing all they can to support our troops, particularly when they return after overseas deployment.

  5. I swallowed it comments and all! Right now though, I wish I were a creepy cicada singing in a garden out there rather than roasting in the blistering summer here!

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