Today’s question comes from Willard Pleaty, Tinton Bluffs, OH. Willard asks, “Is a memory foam mattress worth it?
Thanks for your question, Willard. I was intrigued by your query – and not just as a journalist — but as a man who hasn’t had more than 90 minutes of continuous sleep since Saint Patrick’s Day, 1998, when I attempted to find a seat in another subway car and didn’t realize I was already in the last one.
Like you, I’ve been searching for sleep solutions for more than a decade now and have worked my way through the entire SkyMall catalog, spending hundreds of dollars on all sorts of airline endorsed products including the Original Sleep Sound Generator, the Sleep Improving Pillow Wedge, the Bed Bug Sleeping Cocoon and the Restless Leg Syndrome Creme and as you might have already guessed — nothing worked.
Ironically enough, out of all the impulse purchases I made out of that SkyMall catalog while spending days and nights in the air circling Newark Airport waiting until the pilot and the air traffic controller agreed on the bribe amount, the only one that ever lived up to its hype was the Bigfoot Tree Yeti Sculpture. For $69, he was one terrific bargain. In addition to being a first class example of fine craftsmanship, that Bigfoot sculpture literally changed my life the day I escorted 23 Jehovah’s Witnesses off my front porch and into my backyard where I told them that if they could convert that guy (pointing to Bigfoot), I’d give ’em the deed to my entire family. Let’s just say it’s been six years and they haven’t managed to get a white shirt and black tie on him yet!
So, memory foam mattresses. One thing you need to think about when you buy a memory anything is, can you trust it? Let’s say you purchase this mattress, Willard. Bear in mind that every time you climb into bed, it automatically conforms exactly to your shape and weight. How does it know?! It knows, because this mattress has your information and as we all know, information is power unless you’re a 411 operator. Talk about obsolete.
So ask yourself this. Would it matter if information about your size, weight and sleeping position got out? Who would benefit from this information? Who could use it against you? Do you get along well with your wife or significant other? Could this person use the exact dimensions of your body, weight and size for nefarious purposes? If you feel you’re on pretty safe ground on the home front, then I say give the memory mattress a shot.
All you need to do to make this purchase worth the investment is take one nap with your car keys in your pocket. If you ever lose them, your mattress has your back. Just tie it to the top of your car, drag it into a locksmith and within ten, fifteen minutes they’ll grind out a whole new set of keys and you won’t have to step foot into the dealership. I don’t know about you, Willard, but I’d rather spend two weeks in Pennsylvania with 23 Jehovah’s Witnesses than 15 minutes in a car dealership.
© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett