I am on the road driving south to celebrate Christmas with the family today so I have to make the weekend predictions fast. Breakfast is served at 6:00 am here at the Holiday Inn Express I’m staying at outside of Pigeon Forge, TN and if I don’t get down there by 6:03 all that’s left is a handful of pancake syrup packets and half an issue of USA Today with coffee stains all over the Living Section.
If you’re traveling for the holidays and staying with relatives, you’re probably going to be able to predict your weekend a heck of a lot better than I can. However, the way the stars are lined up — kind of zig zaggy this week, you may be scrutinized much more than usual so take extra special care to laugh at someone’s jokes or kindly barbs about your recent weight gain for a few seconds longer than usual to reduce the risk of looking like you’re phoning it in and projecting the feeling that you’d rather be tossed off a high rise than conversing with this person. If you heed my warning, you will also benefit from not having to answer one of life’s most treacherous questions, “Exactly what is your problem?!” when your significant other confronts you while you’re both getting ready for bed.
An old friend may try to draw you away from your family this weekend and ask you to go out and have a couple of drinks for old time’s sake or to catch up. By all means go. My prediction was that you were going to be in the doghouse this weekend for something anyway, but at least now, you don’t have to compound the situation by worrying about what it would be about. It’ll be about you having more fun that what your family believes is the maximum daily limit.
If you happen to be in a situation where someone is deep frying a turkey, reject all offers to go outside and watch but let the person know you are willing to help by dialing the numbers 9 and 1 on the telephone as a safety precaution and watching the proceedings from a window. Those things explode all the time and no one has ever been considered a hero as a result of being showered in boiling oil or clonked on the head by a rapidly descending turkey carcass with a core temperature of 680 degrees.
Finally, someone will rush into a room you are in and shout, “It’s A Wonderful Life Is On”!!!! When this happens, don’t panic. Simply call a friend you haven’t seen in a while and ask him or her if they’d like to go out for a couple of drinks.
© 2012 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett