Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, September 27, 2013

monkey bellhop, john hartnett, entertainment humor, comedy, comedy writers, humor writers, satire, parody, jokes, humorous jokes, astrology, horoscopes, psychics, predictions, swamiShould be a mellow weekend horoscopically speaking.  If you live on the east coast of the United States — my subtle way of letting you know that people from other exotic countries with different seasons and weather patterns now frequent my blog, most likely searching for the word “monkey” and “recipe”, but so what, a click is a click! — the weather has been extremely mild and all the leaves are maintaining the misguided and false impression that this may be the year they make it straight through to the following spring.

Oh, to be a naive leaf again, assuming that my past life regression therapist is correct and that there actually is such a thing as reincarnation and that people who are reincarnated actually could come back as foliage as she assured me I once was.   A crepe myrtle.  I knew you were dying to know.  What I don’t know is whether you come back as a crepe myrtle because your previous life was a virtuous one or because you were known far and wide for weighing everyone’s cold cuts with your thumb on the scale.

My past therapist won’t tell me things like that because I post date all my checks and she’s well aware that I’m long past the point of paying good money for bad news.  In fact, I just cancelled my subscription to the New York Times.   $55 a month to receive pure dread on your doorstep seven days a week is just too much.  I don’t know what your magic number is, but the most I want to pay for dread is $14.99 annually, although I’d pay as much as $39.95 annually if they didn’t deliver it right to my doorstep and I had to drive to Pennsylvania to pick it up.

I must tell you that not having access to a newspaper has done wonders for me psychically and emotionally.  Also, I no longer watch any news on TV, no CNN, FOX News, local news, nothing.  I won’t even watch the weather news station.  Mostly because every time I go to check the weather, there’s an exercise equipment infomercial on and the people behind the host or hostess who have to show how the machines work by raising and lowering things or pedaling, bending, squatting or lunging while wearing those leotards or other revealing outfits and smiling way out of context in relation to the activity they’re engaged in depresses me.

Anyway, I recommend the no news is good news thing.

So, this weekend.  Where are we?  Mellow.  Mellow weekend.  Lots of resonance in outer space, the fifth, sixth and seventh dimensions in particular.  Lots of vibration channeling and related discourse with Chiron, Saturn and Pluto promenading across the yellow brick road of the universe, arm in arm and kicking with Rockette like precision.   There will be many opportunities this weekend to showcase the confidence you have in your abilities to manage listing relationships, right wrongs, comfort the afflicted, and replace the empty nylon spool in the lawn trimmer without the line unspooling all over the place causing you to attempt to rewind it by hand several times even though you know the line is wrapped over itself and won’t advance and you’re going to have to throw the whole thing out in a fit of rage and drive back to Home Depot to get another one.    So it’s a good weekend for that.

Also, the shape and complexion of the moon provides ideal conditions to take advantage of any and all opportunities to meet and converse with strangers.  As Will Rogers once said, “A stranger is only a friend I haven’t met.”  As you probably know, Will Rogers was responsible for many insightful quotes throughout his career, coming up with most of them between the six month period he spent in traction at a hospital in Calabasas, CA after getting beat up and tied feet first from a tree by three amusement park ride workers he met at a traveling carnival and had invited over for a barbecue and roping demonstration.

Finally, your social life will receive a big boost this weekend when you receive recognition for using your winning personality and joie de vivre to save a party or small gathering that is going to go “downhill fast”, due to a lack of energy, a vague or unsustainable theme, a missing guest of honor or overcooked salmon or, if you are one of my Borneo followers, and may I first say welcome and thanks for following, monkey brains.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

To buy John’s book, “The Barber’s Conundrum and Other Stories“, in either print or eBook format, visit Amazon or Early Bird Publishing.

4 thoughts on “Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, September 27, 2013”

  1. Was not searching on “monkeys”. But I was searching on “Will Rogers.” He was my high school friend back in Minot, North Dakota. No, this Will Rogers was not funny. He could bend his index finger back and touch it to his wrist. That was funny, but only to ten-year olds.

    Enjoyed your weekend advice and horrorscope readings. I used them to bet a small sum on the N.Y. Giants. I won. They were very mellow.

    1. Thanks, DZ. Agreed on the Giants performance and agree that bending your finger back to the wrist is ten-year old funny, but that scenario alone could be enough to land a show on Fox. As for the Giants feeling mellow, I think after the second half it was all about getting Vitamin D.

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