Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, September 20, 2013

monkey bellhop, john hartnett, entertainment humor, comedy, comedy writers, humor writers, satire, parody, jokes, humorous jokes, astrology, horoscopes, psychics, predictions, swamiLast week I promised to deliver your horoscope right up front so that you could get the information you needed to make the most out of your weekend without having to listen to me ramble on and on.

I understand you have things to do.

And I know sometimes I go on and on more than I should.  My wife and kids get exasperated when I don’t get to the point.   I see them exchange glances from time to time or make slashing motions across their throats or point imaginary guns to their heads and pull imaginary triggers when they think I’m not looking.

Even my pets get tired of hearing the sound of my voice.

I know that but it’s because I care so much about animals, people and the earth, that I take my role as a spiritual mentor, life coach and horoscopical advisor so seriously.  And it’s because I care so deeply about you, my scared, lonely, lost and childlike children of the cosmos who carry those special signs: water, fire, air and oh, God, what’s the other one?

My mind keeps saying “dirt” but it can’t be that.  That doesn’t sound right compared to the others.   Not as noble sounding.  Water.  Fire. Air, and…  Damn it!  That never works for me.  Maybe clay. Or mulch.  Normally I’d go through the entire alphabet a couple of times but I promised to give you your horoscope right at the top, and I may be a lot of things but not being true to my word isn’t one of them.  Earth!  Ha, I was actually going through the alphabet while I wrote that last sentence and lucky for the both of us, “E” is right at the beginning!  Now Earth doesn’t sound right either.  Probably just over thinking it.  Has to be earth.

So yes, I can be somewhat verbose — but so what if the end result for you is wisdom and occasional lightheadedness due to not being able to sneak out for a meal?

And speaking of imparting wisdom on pets.  One thing I bet you didn’t know about me was that I was written up in The Journal of Animal Science for teaching my parrot, Stanley, to speak more than 2,000 words.  It took six and a half years of 13-hour days to accomplish that!  That’s right, for almost seven years I spoke to Stanley non-stop from 6:30 in the morning until 7:30 at night.  Right up to the unbearably cold, record breaking, snowy February morning when he hopped upon my shoulder and said, “I’m going to run out for a pack of cigarettes.  I’ll be right back.”  That was both the proudest and saddest moment of my life because my devoted, articulate Stanley never returned from the tobacconist shop and I can only expect that he was either eaten by a cat or engulfed in flames when he fell asleep while smoking in nest.

But clearly, you’ve asked that I get to your horoscope right way, so I won’t go on any further about Stanley or about his replacement, Lawrence, a non smoker and complete teetotaler.

Yesterday’s full moon will lead to a long void lunar cycle according to my friends over at the webpage down the street, Yahoo Shine Astrology.  In addition, Venus forms a flowing trine to Chiron in water signs, Pluto leaves retrograde motion behind at 9 degrees of Capricorn, Ceres is in opposition to synchronicity-ruling Chiron, Venus forms an off-kilter, 150-degree link to Uranus, Mercury makes an invasive, 135-degree tie with Neptune and the moon forms a 60-degree menage a foie gras with Saturn in Scorpio to Pluto in Capricorn and Boise Indiana.

What does all this mean for you?  I said I’d be concise and so I will.  Here are the top ten things you must address this weekend based upon my horoscopically precise predictions for the tri-state area covering all of the Continental United States and the Six Flags Great Adventure properties in TX, MD, MO, MA, GA but not the one in NJ (and they know why!):

  1. If someone approaches you on the street and asks for money and the person’s name is Pat, don’t give them more than $1.85
  2. If you are boiling water, do not look at it directly but use a mirror or a shiny pot or utensil
  3. People may whisper but even if it’s about you, don’t worry as long as they are doing it in a funeral parlor
  4. Drink eight eight ounce glasses of water Saturday and four sixteen ounce glasses of water on Sunday, but only drink half from the 16 ounce glass at a time on Sunday so that your heart stops beating really hard
  5. Don’t reach down and pet anyone’s dog if the eyes looks a little “rheumy”.
  6. From 6:15 pm Friday evening until 2:30 am Saturday morning, ask every person you see out on a date and on Monday, shoot me an email and let me know how you made out
  7. If you wear a bowler hat don’t make any references to bowler monkeys because what you are really thinking of is Howler Monkeys and people may think less of you
  8. While this is a perfect weekend horoscopically speaking to spruce up the yard and prepare for fall, do not do this because I don’t want to be stuck in my yard this weekend and if you happen to live near me and my wife happens to drive by and notices that you’re making real progress,  I’m going to get an earful
  9. A friend or relative will call this weekend and wish to speak with you; if you’re not in the middle of anything, take the call and ask them if it is raining where they are
  10. If your name is Pat, the next two days could be pretty lean in terms of cash flow

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

13 thoughts on “Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, September 20, 2013”

  1. John, your story about Stanley had me laughing out loud! The horoscope too lol! Thanks for the laughs at the start of the weekend. Btw, sure glad my name isn’t Pat!

  2. Hey Hey, What is your user name on BlogCatalog please? Mine is Theresa111 Please leave me a message on my profile page. I want to make certain I am following you there on your profile and blog pages. Thank you.

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