Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, March 8, 2013

Friday-Weekend-Horoscope

It’s Daylight Savings Time Weekend in which all or most of America, truthfully I can’t keep track of what part of the country does or doesn’t have to do this and in keeping with the one size fits all theme, that’s all you should expect from me any way.   Just enough information to leave you as informed as you are confused.

Harold Lloyd in Safety Last

This much I do know: Some Americans have to turn their clocks ahead one hour at 2:00 am, so if you happen to be one of them and hosting the type of dinner guests who don’t feel a party is really fun unless they leave at three in the morning, be sure to lock up the liquor cabinet around 12 if you want to get anything close to a decent night’s sleep.  Setting the clocks backwards and forwards plays complete havoc with my circadian sleep cycles and that’s why I recently signed up for a Roth Daylight Savings Plan.   You still have to set your clock forward or back an hour like everybody else but when you turn 65, it switches to 59 minutes.

Let’s get to your weekend horoscope right now because I have to go out and shovel my walk.  For days they kept predicting this big snow storm would hit NY and NJ and all it did was rain.   So now it’s finally snowing here and I can just picture all the weather people cracking open bottles of champagne and patting each other on their backs like they just rescued a beached whale or brought Apollo 13 back with just a flashlight and two Maxwell House coffee cans connected with string.   By the way, here’s a direct language translation that might come in handy next time you’re watching your local TV weatherman predict what’s going to happen when skies are cloudy.    English:  “I haven’t the slightest idea.” Weatherese: “A wintery mix.”   Same thing.

There’s a Saturn-Pluto dynamic going on in the heavens this weekend, creating something of an astrological dust-up that may lead to feelings of doom and gloom or gloom and doom for people who may be emotionally dyslexic.  Fear not, for this is short lived as the convergence of Mercury and Chiron traveling at 30 degrees centigrade east of Java are the true rulers of the weekend and shall put Saturn and Pluto in their rightful place — which is hovering menacingly 150 feet over Donald Trump’s house.

You may become privy to some interesting information this weekend, the kind of gossipy news that might prompt you to say to someone who asks where you got it, “Oh, a little bird told me.”  Should that be the case and information does fall into your lap and should someone ask you were you received the information, please don’t say, “A little bird told me.” It just sounds catty.

On the relationship front, couples may seem to be oblivious to everyone but themselves. Don’t take it personally and don’t be jealous.  Their bliss will last as long as it takes for one of them to go into the bathroom and realize the other one was too lazy to replace the empty toilet paper roll.   If you are single, this is a weekend to revel in it!  Unless you just became single after someone broke up with you today or perhaps even tonight.  In that case, just do the best you can and be sure to prepare accordingly for the weather.  They’re talking about a slight to moderate possibility of a wintery mix so make sure you have a pair of shorts and flip flops standing by.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

4 thoughts on “Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, March 8, 2013”

  1. Great post, Johnny. “Roth Daylight Savings Plan” very clever, sign me up too LOL! Heard about that snow there. Although I’m not in NJ right now, my sister there posted pics of that snowfall. Where I am in MD weather folks predicted a huge storm too and ours fizzled out. I’ll be posting about that (with more dogs in the snow pics). Love your translation for a “wintery mix.” Your horoscope was so much fun it had me laughing out loud. That little gossip bird better be singing about spring!

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