Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, March 1, 2013


Happy Friday.  Happy March 1st.  Boy, is time just flying by!  It’s March already; I can’t believe it.  Hold on.  Not again.  I will not subject you to another week of digression and will just get straight to your one size fits all weekend horoscope.  Didn’t I just mention how quickly time passes?  How clueless can one person be and still call himself a horoscopical expert?   So, let me get you on your way with all the astrological data you’ll need to navigate through the weekend.

This month Jupiter is in Gemini, Saturn is in Scorpio, Pluto is in Capricorn and Shania Twain is at Caesar’s Palace!   Technically, she’s still considered a star so as far as I’m concerned, I’m on topic.  This will be a great weekend to organize your life, clean closets, give away old clothes or switch cable providers.

One quick sec. The organizational astrological opportunity that presents itself this weekend reminds me of how and why digression starts and it’s not just about talking and it’s not always someone’s “fault”.   Please tell me I’m not alone here.  Let’s say it’s Saturday morning and all of your children have conveniently vacated the premises to avoid being associated with anything that could even vaguely be categorized as “earning their keep” and you say to yourself, “I think I’ll dust the ceiling fans.  The monotony of such a chore will give me time to think of how I can make my children’s lives miserable when they return.”

You go to the basement to get a ladder and when you turn on the light, you realize the bulb is out.  So you go back upstairs to get a bulb from the cabinet over the refrigerator in the kitchen and realize the screws in the hinges of the cabinet doors are loose, so you search for a phillips head screwdriver (which for no reason at all is found in your own sock drawer) tighten the screws and then decide it probably makes sense to tighten all of the screws in all of the cabinets.  And when you compete that task and turn to head back to the basement, you spot the dirty dishes your kids left in the sink, the open cereal box on the counter next to a sticky splotch of what was once milk, and an empty mug with a dessicated tea bag clinging to the bottom.

You clean up the kitchen and then return to the basement to retrieve the ladder and replace the bulb when your spouse comes in from the supermarket screaming for someone to help bring in the groceries.  You march back up the stairs, go out to the car to get the groceries and when you come back inside and begin putting things in the refrigerator, you discover another sticky pool of God knows what on one of the glass shelves so now you have to pull everything out since you might as well clean the entire refrigerator and then put everything back and before you know it you’re 87 years old and have exactly six seconds to blow out the candles on your birthday cake before the home health aid has to either turn your oxygen tank back on or honor the terms of your do-not -resuscitate order.

I knew I wasn’t the only one.  Home stretch now.

The moon in your romance zone will try to pick a fight with Pluto this weekend increasing the odds of some relationship friction so be on the lookout and do your best to avoid confrontation.  While the feeling of overwhelming disgust with your partner’s movie choice may be to difficult to suppress, do your best to keep your mouth shut.  That’s actually a good rule no matter what’s going on with your romance moon.

Finally, Venus and Pisces are also mixing it up celestially speaking this weekend and this means you should be really careful about listening to your friends, particularly if they say they’re going to do something for you.  With unreliable Venus, there’s a good chance they’ll be unable to deliver so whatever you do, don’t ask anybody to help you move a piano until Monday.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

7 thoughts on “Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, March 1, 2013”

  1. As a Pisces I am paying very close attention to this horoscope. Especially since my gal picked up some movies for the weekend.

  2. Yes, Phil. If there is anyone who has his fingers on the pulse of the universe, stars, moons, planets and whatever else is contained in Lucky Charms cereal, it’s me. For your sake, I hope you’re not stuck watching something that takes place in 19th Century England.

  3. So many times I’ve started a project…only to be distracted by another. From this moment forward when this happens again I’m going to remember your line “and before you know it you’re 87 years old and have exactly six seconds to blow out the candles on your birthday cake before the home health aid has to either turn your oxygen tank back on or honor the terms of your do-not -resuscitate order.” I’ve almost made it through the weekend without moving a piano so I think I’m home free. Thanks for the laugh, John!

    1. Thanks for reading, Annie! It was an eventful weekend for me. I managed to empty the entire dishwasher without being distracted and rewashing 30% of the stuff that was already cleaned. It’s the small victories…

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