Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, June 7, 2013

monkey bellhop, john hartnett, entertainment humor, comedy, comedy writers, humor writers, satire, parody, jokes, humorous jokes, astrology, horoscopes, psychics, predictions, swamiFirst thing’s first.  A very happy birthday this week to my friend and fan of the Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, Mary Lou!  We’re Facebook friends, have never met in person and most likely never will, but this is the life we’ve chosen.

Saturday brings a New Moon into Gemini and that’s good news because it means you will have lots of energy and will feel compelled to take big chances or risks.  Just don’t discuss doing anything risky or chancy over the phone.  You never know if the people who say they aren’t listening to our calls have another word they use instead of “listening” to “listen”to our calls.

“Oh, you mean monitoring!  Well, sure.  We monitor.  But that’s not the same as listening.  If ‘monitoring’ was the same as ‘listening’ there would only be one word for it in the dictionary.”

Can’t trust anybody anymore.  Even when I pray or go to confession, I record everything.  Who knows what really happens in the afterlife?  If I run into an audit on Judgement Day, I’m going in with backup.

I love it how customer service reps soberly inform you that your call will be monitored or recorded for training and quality purposes.  Have you ever called the same company months or years later and after hanging up say to yourself, “How refreshing! Only one number to press and that customer service representative, Sue Ellen, from Rawalpindi, took care of everything! Someone clearly is listening to these recordings and making great improvements in customer service training and overall quality!”

Me neither.

What I think they do with those recordings is bundle them up by regions of the United States and sell them to dialect coaches so they can teach actors like Shia Lebeouf and Anne Hathaway to say, “Y’all gonna’ rue the day you messed with my crab pots,” without getting laughed out of the theater.

I wish the NSA would tap my phones.  That way I could kill two birds with one stone by torturing them and those sad, robo-calling Willie Loman telemarketers who try to separate me from my wallet as I string them along.  “Yes?  Yes? Yes! YES!,” with increasing excitement until they get to the close and then it’s, “I’m just kidding around with you. There’s isn’t a chance in hell, lady,” waiting just a second or two more until I hear their “But!” before I hang up.  And no, I didn’t set ants on fire with a magnifying glass when I was a kid,  if that’s what you’re thinking.

So, your horoscope for this weekend.  Don’t let negative people get into your head this weekend, man.  Be cool.  And don’t take the bait if they try to get you to argue with them.  If things get too heavy, just walk away, man.  Walk away.  The man’s always trying to mess with…

Hold on a second; that’s not your horoscope. I got to take care of something.  God forbid you are ever afflicted with spirit possession, but if you are, I hope it isn’t Dennis Hopper.  This guy doesn’t understand the first thing about personal space.

Actually, that’s not bad.  While I might have phrased it differently, Dennis is right.  Take it easy this weekend, don’t let anyone rile you up and stay true to whatever it is that brings you happiness and peace of mind.  Also get plenty of rest.  Eat right and drink at least eight, eight-ounce glasses of water every 15 minutes.   Unless you live in Texas.  If so, drink four, four-ounce glasses of water every 15 minutes.  There’s a drought.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

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