Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, June 21, 2013

monkey bellhop, john hartnett, entertainment humor, comedy, comedy writers, humor writers, satire, parody, jokes, humorous jokes, astrology, horoscopes, psychics, predictions, swamiToday is June 21st, the first official day of summer!  All across the nation, linen pants, shirts and culottes that accidentally slipped off their hangers over the winter and are lying hidden at the bottom of closets are silently screaming, “Please!  Let us out!  There are only 79 days left until Labor Day! My God, why have you forsaken me!?” Or words to that effect.

Of course, that assuming linen clothes are self aware, have feelings and can speak.  Most of us who fear scales would be a lot better off it they couldn’t but who knows for sure?  Maybe their voices are too high for human ears to detect.  Anything’s possible.  Not a day goes by that something new doesn’t get discovered — like finding signs of life in Pennsylvania.  Why not conscious pants?

The one thing I do know, is that with my linen clothes trying to escape the closet before summer ends scenario,  I just gave some producer from Pixar the seeds for another “delightfully spirited animated wonder that’s as entertaining for adults as it is for children!” — *Jeffrey Lyons, “Clothes Story, Inc.”, 2014

You ever see Jeffrey Lyons on TV or read his reviews?  Never met a movie he didn’t like.  Movies you walked out on, he stayed to watch twice.  If I’m not mistaken, it was Jeffrey Lyons who gave the home movie of our trip to Carlsbad Caverns 4 stars and stated, between sobs, that it was the “most heartwarming depiction of family dysfunction amidst towering stalagmites since ‘One Billion Years B.C.’.”  I lampoon him in my review of ‘Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy‘.  It’s scathing!  Not really — I realize the guy’s just trying to make a living like the rest of us.  But his reviews are positively not good and I say that with the utmost respect.

On to your one size fits all weekend horoscope.  There will be a full moon on Sunday and according to my colleagues over at Yahoo! Shine’s Daily Cosmic Calendar, “during the 48 hours before any Full Moon, you want to prepare for the increase in enlightenment flooding humanity and the Earth from spiritual realms of consciousness”.  The only way I could have said that better myself was if I understood what it meant.

I’m kidding, I know exactly what they are talking about.  They actually consult me over there at Yahoo on astrological matters because I am an expert on asteroids and most of their astrologers draw the line at moons and are, quite honestly, very condescending toward smaller bits of matter, rock and what have you with regard to how those objects can affect your mood and weekend plans.   I like to take the entire cosmos into consideration when  figuring out how your weekend’s going to shake out. If that’s wrong, than I don’t want to be right.

So,  prepare to be enlightened this weekend.  And keep an eye out for spiritual realms of consciousness.  I don’t know what they look like exactly because the sizes and shapes may vary and of course some realms may settle during shipping and handling.   But keep your chins and your antenna up and I’m sure something will happen that will make you smile for no apparent reason and suddenly you will feel as if you are getting a cosmic neck massage from another realm of consciousness.  Should that occur this weekend, don’t tip any less than 20%.  I know a lady from Yonkers who tried to stiff a realm of consciousness that spent the better part of twenty minutes giving her a warm, otherworldly feeling from head to toe and a month later her dog bit the mailman and now she has to drive to the post office everyday to get her mail.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

3 thoughts on “Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, June 21, 2013”

  1. Very funny post…the whole bloody thing, but I think that last paragraph is award winning! You gave me a good laugh today. Thanks, John!

  2. LOL! I know exactly what you mean about Jeffrey Lyons. He has to be one of the worst film critics anywhere. Heck, he would give fours stars and two thumbs up to to my family’s recent BBQ video I made on my cell phone.

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