Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, July 12, 2013

monkey bellhop, john hartnett, entertainment humor, comedy, comedy writers, humor writers, satire, parody, jokes, humorous jokes, astrology, horoscopes, psychics, predictions, swamiI don’t know about you but once July 4th hits, summer flies by so fast I don’t know why God bothered to invent it in the first place.  One minute I’m in shorts watching people blow up half a million dollars worth of fireworks and the next it’s 47 degrees, I’m dressed in long pants and a hooded sweatshirt standing in a yard covered with two-feet of dead leaves and trying to remember how to reignite the pilot light of the furnace without turning into a little fireworks spectacle of my own.

Not trying to be a downer but those lazy, hazy, mystically slow days of summer they always moon about in those Southern coming of age books and movies where everyone uses cardboard fans to stay cool, dogs loll in the shade,  a glass of lemonade has the restorative power of a heart lung transplant combined with a face lift and a murder, manhunt, trial, conviction, escape, manhunt and reincarceration in June is completely forgotten by September, is something I’ve never experienced –and I’ve been to that Pedro’s South of the Border joint off of 95, so don’t even think about calling me a dumb city slicker.

south of the border, summer, pedro says

Where was I?  You’re horoscope.  Just once I wish I could get it in my head to talk about you instead of myself.   You’d be on your merry way already, fully equipped to prepare for and deal with this weekend and all it has to offer which, if you’re planning on watching television, isn’t much.

Just occurred to me.  You know how you can make the summer pass slowly?  Watch a Major League baseball game or as it’s know in my house, “Millionaires Adjusting Their Gloves and Removing Dirt from their Shoes”.  Excuse me for just a moment.

An Open Letter to Major League Baseball,

Stay in the batter’s box and don’t leave until you get a hit, get hit, fly out, ground out, walk or strike out.  We have lives and things to do, too, you know.


Everyone in the United States who is not already deceased

p.s. Most of the pitchers with the big bushy beards look silly, never more so then when they can’t hold a six run lead

I’m back.  That was cathartic.

Starting today, the moon makes contact with every single outer planet in the solar system including Saturn, Jupiter, Pluto and that’s good news for all of us as the moon always brings jelly and creme donuts when it visits other planets.  Planets love dessert and in return love nothing more than to return the favor by showering us with good vibes and positive energy.  In fact, this is the one time of the year when celestial good vibes and positive energy can actually be seen by the human eye.  No mystery.  It’s because they have powdered sugar on them.

The Moon also forms a wonderfully harmonious, 60-degree liaison with Mercury and that will help you to wash your car by hand without getting any streaks.  Don’t ask how.  Just accept the Moon’s gift and remember to offer a silent word of thanks when hanging the new scotch pine tree scented air freshener from the rear view mirror.

Speaking of liaisons, do you remember that movie “Dangerous Liaisons” with Michelle Pfeiffer, Glenn Close and John Malkovich?  It’s one of those pictures I only saw once and really liked it but since it takes place in the Victorian era and everyone prances around with powder puffed faces and fake beauty marks and wears those high ruffled collars, I can’t bring myself to watch it again even though I liked it.    Now “Animal House” and “On the Waterfront,” I’ll watch anytime they’re on, even if they’re almost over.  Clearly, there is something in my brain, literally, that prevents me from re-watching a movie that has Victorian era costumes, wigs or maybe harpsichord dominated soundtracks.   I don’t take any comfort in that knowledge as I rely on my brain quite a bit.

Finally, this will be a good weekend horoscopically speaking with the exception that a bill you were dreading finally arrives.  When you open it you will realize it is not as bad as you had anticipated.  Not because it is less that expected but because you misread the number.

Have a great weekend!

louisiana, fsa-owi collection, summer, fishing
FSA-OWI Collection. Photographer: Marion Post Wolcott

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

5 thoughts on “Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, July 12, 2013”

  1. Yup, once July 4th hits the summer flies by! Still, there is something therapeutic about sitting through a three hour baseball game. Or, it could be the nine or ten beers I drink during them!

  2. I know! Summer’s half over and seriously, I’m still recuperating from last Xmas. By the time I get around to dealing with summer shit, it’ll be time to deck the halls again. Thanks for a funny post! Found you through the I Hate Mondays hop!

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