Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, January 4, 2013


Happy New Year!  Well, 2013 is upon us and even though everyone laughed at the 12/12/2012 or 12/21/2012 Mayan Apocalypse thing, we all think January 1st is the date that our love lives, bank accounts and weight will all change for the better.   Now before I go off half cocked on this and unnecessarily crush your hopes and dreams, let me check the stars and galaxies and such and the moons and all the other ingredients of Lucky Charms that can also be found in the heavens that rule over us just one more time and make sure I’ve got the latest data.  Bear with me a second, this window kind of sticks.  There it goes.  Yep, uh huh, ok, I see, yep, yep, got it.

Ok, it’s just as I figured.   Not gonna happen, so forget all about those resolutions, you’ll just be spitting in the wind.  Horoscopically speaking, of course.  But not to worry.  It’s Friday!  So what can every man, woman and child expect this weekend?  Luckily, I have the charts right in front of me and for once, none of my kids smeared jelly all over it.  I know I should get an office, but I enjoy working at the kitchen table.

If you are traveling by automobile this weekend, be aware of the fact that Mercury is entering Capricorn at the same time, so be prepared for traffic delays or at the very least staticy radio reception.   If you are the driver and traveling with someone else, take special care to be considerate and always ask if they need a bathroom break.  This will reduce tension and the quiet seething that comes from the perception that you are self centered and obsessed with making good time and completely uninterested in addressing the concerns and biological needs of others in the vehicle.  Should you not heed my advice  — and remember, I’m just the vessel here, this comes from heavenly powers way above my pay grade — your actions will cause trouble well after you’ve reached your destination and you will be miserable and pouty until Monday around 1pm but no earlier than 11, 11:15.   If you are traveling by plane, expect to be partially to completely miserable the entire weekend.  Traveling by plane is awful and you don’t need me or Mercury moving into Capricorn to tell you that.

According to Jupiter in Gemini, you will find yourself brimming with confidence this weekend!  Expect to see the world as your oyster.  High energy, enthusiasm and an uncharacteristic feeling of optimism will fill your spirit.  Don’t blow it.

And finally, friends and loved ones will factor heavily this weekend.   They will bend over backwards to give you advice and to shower you with complements.  If you feel you deserve such treatment, by all means soak it in and even act upon the advice received.  However, if you feel your friends and loved ones may be buttering you up for something,  use the entire weekend to tell them in dribs and drabs that all of the possessions you own, all the connections you have or all the money you have in the bank is gone, carefully examining their expressions until you can figure out exactly what it is that they’re angling for.  If this sounds like too much work, or that if could be too emotionally draining, just offer to pick up the first check you can and see if that does it.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

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