Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, January 25, 2013


They say that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb but what do they say about January? I’m asking because I don’t know. Seems weird you’d only have a tagline for one month and leave all the others to fend for themselves. Why March? You know what else? The phrase doesn’t even make sense any more because with global warming, March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a lamb. It’s essentially the same animal so there’s really no point in drawing distinctions when none exist.

Somebody should get one of those Occupy Wall Street guys to get an online petition going. Strike down the whole March lamb lion thing because it’s bogus, man. What about the other 11/12ths of the 12%? I think I could be an Occupy Wall Street guy. If I understand the movement correctly, you just have to sit down with a bunch of other people in a location that screws up traffic and then try not to think about your parents talking to their neighbors about what you’re up to.

This weekend promises to be a real doozy. Mercury, the hot tempered tyke of the Milky Way and Saturn, the only planet with bling, have combined forces to keep you on your toes the entire two days. Listen carefully to what people say to you and make sure that what you’re answering is at the very least, remotely connected to what they’re asking. My family is convinced I’m on my way out mentally because I no longer seem to retain anything they tell me. They’re kind of right but between you and me, it’s… Ah, I just lost my train of thought. It’ll come to me.

This is a weekend to toss away all your inhibitions and dance, dance, dance! No one cares what you look like! As far as you know and really what do any of us really know? Life is one big illusion unless you owe back taxes. Oh, that’s what I was going to tell you before. If you pretend you can’t remember everything, your friends and loved ones will stop relying on you so much and pretty soon you’ll never have to cut your own meat again! That tip alone is worth the price of admission to this column assuming I could charge you for it and you’d actually pay me. Ha ha. You wouldn’t pay me for advice like this would you?

So to wrap up, since it looks like I still have to keep my day job, don’t be afraid to seize the moment this weekend and squeeze the life out it. Believe it or not, that’s what moments live for.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

4 thoughts on “Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, January 25, 2013”

    1. Hey Diane, Sadly it’s a no on the dance lessons. My skills are confined to the pogo stick style which is really little more than creating the illusion that you’re trying to see over the other side of an imaginary fence. Thanks for the comment!

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