Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, January 18, 2013


I feel the Earth move under my feet, I feel the sky come falling down a tumbling down, a tumbling down a…  Wait.  I thought I had an inspired opening for this week’s horoscope and than it hits me that someone else wrote that.  Here I am regurgitating Carole King lyrics.  Must be sleep deprivation or too much pancake syrup.  God may move in mysterious ways but He has nothing on the brain.  I take that back.  Technically, I guess He holds the patent.

The reason I started with what I now know is a widely popular Carole King song is because this weekend our friend the Universe will be showering one and all with great multitudes of life energy and good vibes.  So make sure you get out of the house and spend time with all your friends, neighbors and relatives.  Who don’t have the flu.  I went to the pharmacy to get a flu shot on Wednesday but when I saw what the people who were waiting in line looked like, I decided it might be better to just scrub myself from head to toe with some of those Lysol disinfectant wipes.   People who wait in lines for flu shots always look like they already have the flu.

With Jupiter rotating pretty good on Saturn’s axis and Mars being a little to the left of Romulus but far enough away from Capricorn to make jokes behind its back, money may factor heavily this weekend so make sure you stick to your budget and don’t let anyone take advantage of you.  As a general rule, when dining in restaurants, always be the first person to excuse yourself to go to the restroom whenever you have the feeling that the check is on its way.    Chances are you’re still going to be expected to pay your share but it’s the evolved human being who selflessly excuses themselves to allow others to complain about them for always ordering the most expensive dish on the menu because they know the bill always gets whacked up evenly.

The opportunities to participate in a project this weekend will be presented to you.  Beg off at all costs and while lying is often frowned upon from a cosmic perspective, many religions offer deathbed confessional services, so bear that in mind when the end is nigh.  Or is it near?  Either way, all I’m saying is when it comes time to die, you’ve got options.

Finally, consider intellectual pursuits this weekend because with all that energy raining down on you, you’re going to feel like the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz after he received his new brain but before he became self aware and was forced to come to grips with the existential fact that he was essentially made out of one of the primary ingredients used to make compost and start a barbecue.  Sad story.  Most people don’t know that after Dorothy moved back in with her aunt and uncle at the end of the “Wizard of Oz”, the Scarecrow spent the rest of his days sitting in between a humidifier and a dehumidifier to hedge his bets and screaming out the window at people he saw smoking to get away from his house.  If only he had read my One Size Fits All Weekend Horoscope the day he met the Wizard things might have turned out differently.  Hand to God, last line.   “And if anyone offers to give you a brain, tell ’em thanks but no thanks.”

Have a great weekend!

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