Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, February 22, 2013


“Everybodys a dreamer and everybodys a star,
And everybody’s in movies, it doesnt’t matter who you are.”

Celluloid Heroes.  Ray Davies with The Kinks.  Great song.  What a wonderful time to be alive and have cable!   Getting a sense of what this Friday Weekend “One Size Fits All Horoscope” theme is yet?  The 85th Annual Academy Awards are on Sunday night!

Excited?  Me neither.  Hasn’t been the same for me since Huntz Hall was snubbed by the Academy for his breakout performance in “Spook Chasers” in 1957.  Probably won’t even watch.

Huntz Hall

I would have been interested in watching the Academy Awards if it was Meryl Streep who played Lincoln.  I heard she was first choice over Daniel Day Lewis but had to decline because she was already committed to another film, one about the making of the Brooklyn Bridge.  Meryl plays the bridge, of course, and the industry buzz already has her as a shoe in for best actress in 2014.  Apparently, she did all her own stunts including supporting over 675 tons of extras, temporary bleachers, a 32 piece Oompah Band and a half dozen hot dog, cotton candy and knish stands during the pivotal ribbon cutting scene.

You can bet all the nominated stars, directors, cinematographers, editors, sound editors, art directors, costume designers, music scorers, screenplay writers and adapted screenplay writers are poring over their horoscopes for this weekend looking for a little hint of what the future holds in store for them in the awards department.  Could this be the year that Oscar comes home with them, duct taped snugly and safely to their tuxedo-clad toddler strapped snugly and safely in the back seat?  Don’t look at me.  If I could predict the future, right now I’d probably be bathing my left hand in ice from filling out hundreds of Keno cards.

I only saw two of the films nominated for best movie, “Argo” and “Silver Linings Playbook”.   They were pretty good but they say the smart money is on “Lincoln”.  I couldn’t bring myself to see it mainly because if it turned out there was something about Abraham Lincoln that wasn’t flattering, I’d be reminded of it every time I looked his penny in the eye.   I already have a conga line of elected officials who have let me down; I couldn’t bear another.

Picture me looking both ways before I say this and lowering my voice, because I feel bad about what I’m about to tell you, but the other reason I won’t see “Lincoln” is because Sally Field is in it.   Truthfully, I’m 99% sure it’s not her fault.  It’s me.  I think I’m somehow allergic to her, quite possibly a chemical thing.  But I’m telling you, when I see her on a TV show or in the movies, –and it’s ten times worse if I don’t even know she’s in it — it’s like a family of squirrels living inside my head woke up from hibernation all at the same time and are scratching, biting and clawing over each other to get out.  I know Ms. Field is a very capable actor and reported to be an engaging and pleasant person, so I think it’s me.    Maybe I have a  “Manchurian Candidate” thing tucked away somewhere in my unconscious.  I’ll have to ask my parents if any of my baby sitters growing up were from North Korea.

Your horoscope!  I’ve done it again.  So much digression and now so little time.  Mercury’s in retrograde and we all know what that means, so if you’re planning on having anything reupholstered this weekend, think about matching pillows and wallpaper a little more than usual.  Consult with a neighbor if you are on speaking terms and if not, try a relative.  If you are also not on speaking terms without any of your relatives,  you might want to postpone reupholstering your couch so that you can lie down on it while a licensed therapist tries to figure out the source of your relationship issues.

Seek out opportunities to stimulate your mind this weekend.   Perhaps start the book on Buddhism you bought when you were first dating your significant other as a means of telling them you had it all together until the day you let loose on an 83 year-old man who mistakenly took your parking spot at the Cheesecake Factory.   Even if you are not reupholstering your couch, read the book standing up to prevent yourself from falling asleep at the same spot in the preface you fell asleep the last time you tried to read it.  If books are not your thing, and this is Academy Awards weekend, consider seeing one of the films nominated in the Best Foreign Language Film category.  Even if the movie isn’t good, you’ll still be intellectually challenged by wondering how someone could pay $11 for a movie ticket and then spend $22 for a bag of popcorn, a soda and a box of Milk Duds.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

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