Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, April 5, 2013


Fly me to the moon
Let me swing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby, kiss me

Unfortunately, that’s not your specific, one size fits all horoscope for this weekend but since it is Spring, and the sentiment is nice, I thought maybe I could influence the heavens on your behalf no matter what the stars have in mind.  Call me Monday and let me know how everything goes for you in the romance department!  Unless it doesn’t go well.  In that case, I’m happy to advance you your horoscope for Monday which is:

“If anything bad happened to you this weekend in the romance department, be stoic.  And if you can’t be stoic, by all means, be circumspect.”

As always, no extra charge for the extra day.  Try getting that from Alamo.

Getting back to “Fly Me to the Moon”, composer and lyricist, Bart Howard, wrote the song in 1954 and it was first recorded by the singer, actress, comedienne and living legend, Kaye Ballard that same year.  Frank Sinatra is the artist most closely associated with the song and his version came out ten years later in 1964.   Did you know the song was originally titled, “In Other Words,” but because everyone referred to it as “Fly Me to the Moon”, the publishers officially changed the name?


I wrote that fact-stuffed paragraph in a minute and a half.  And if you didn’t know it was me, you’d swear you were hearing it from Jonathan Schwartz himself, am I right?  Check it out. “That was the vibrant, spellbinding instrumental version of ‘Fly Me to the Moon’ from the marvelous composer and arranger, Xavier Cugat.  Thirty-five years later in 2009, Willie Nelson recorded his version of the same song on his album, ‘American Classic’.  Let’s listen.  But only for a second or two.”

I’m telling you.  I seriously believe that as long as I have Wikipedia,  I could jump right into Schwartz’s job this very moment without any more training than pointing me in the direction of the radio on/off switch.  As soon as I wrap up your horoscope, I’m going to see what they have to say about Rhinoplasty.  I’m not too sure about the future of radio long term so it probably makes good sense to have something else to fall back on.

The Moon is in Aquarius, the Sun is in Aries and the new Ford Taurus is at the Javits Center until Sunday.  My father took my two daughter’s to the New York Auto Show this morning, that’s how I know.  He goes every year and gets a kick out of seeing the new models.  Especially when they start chatting him up.   He may be a grandfather, but he still has it going on.

As for you this weekend, be watchful for wolves in sheep’s clothing who come bearing what seems to be gifts but is in reality, the opposite of gifts.  I will say no more there because I don’t know exactly what that means.  The stars and zodiacs sometimes speak through me and when they do, it’s more often than not on a need to know basis.  Take this knowledge and plan accordingly.

There will be many opportunities to lord yourself over others this weekend but do not do that.  Practice humility.  Be humble to the best of your ability, even if you know the answer to a Jeopardy question before everyone else, do your best not to blurt it out and than stare at everyone else in the room as if to say, “You people are as dumb as fence posts.”  Unless they are in your home as guests.  There is always a price to pay for what often appears to be a free meal and in the grand scheme of things being stared at in a condescending manner by a host who’s provided a decent spread isn’t the worst thing that could happen.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

8 thoughts on “Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, April 5, 2013”

  1. “If anything bad happened to you this weekend in the romance department, be stoic. And if you can’t be stoic, by all means, be circumspect.”

    I shall take your reading on board Robert, & reassess on Monday.
    Have a good one!
    Cheers, ic

  2. Good song for Spring, John. Always loved the way Frank sang it. That’s my favorite version. Yes, please try to influence the heavens for me, thank you. Hey, like that extra day you’re giving out and you’re definitely better than Alamo. Your horoscope is so funny and fun! Hope you had a great weekend!

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