April 19, 2013: Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”


Behold the universe and all its mysteries.  Done?  Good.  I have so much work to do in the yard this weekend, I don’t have time to monkey around.  Spring has been here for an hour and a half and already my lawn looks like Marty Allen.

Comedian Marty Allen

The Moon is in Leo and the Sun is moving from fiery Aries to earthy Taurus.  What does this mean for you?  If you’re fortunate enough to live in a condo, an apartment or the backseat of your car, it means you escaped a weekend of raking, mowing and wasp attacks.  If not, make sure you know how to recognize ticks.  Also, don’t forget to bend your knees when lifting 50 lb bags of mulch and tossing them into the trunk of your car so you don’t give the strapping 18 year old kid who works at Home Depot and is only standing around to check off your receipt,  the opportunity to share a laugh at your expense should your back seize up causing you to fall to the ground with the same incredulous, stunned expression as a squirrel who can’t believe he misjudged the distance between a telephone wire and a Crape myrtle.

Luckily, the dwarf planet, Ceres, trines Neptune in water signs and that’s good news for all you creative types who like to paint, sculpt or do interpretive dance while wearing leather football helmets from the Forties.  This is your weekend! Trine means 120° or one third of a circle, by the way and can be used as both a noun or a verb.  So you see, Candybar Zachary, every once in a while the Monkey Bellhop actually does provides real horoscopical information on legitimate astrological issues.  This guy writes me like sixteen times a week accusing me of making everything up.  

Pay attention to the details this weekend so you are not taken by surprise.  If you purchase a computer or new television, make sure that before you leave the store, you corner the salesperson and while looking him or her squarely in the eye, say, “I don’t plan on making 18 trips today so how about you just run into the back and get me all the cables I’m missing now?”

Also, be prepared to face some hard questions from people who want to know where you truly stand on issues that are important to them.   For me it will involve weed killer.  For you?  Hopefully, something around interpretive dance.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

3 thoughts on “April 19, 2013: Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope””

  1. Marty Allen is still alive? Wow.

    Also, living in the city eliminates any yard work. We just have to deal with the rats and dog poop on the sidewalks!

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