Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, April 12, 2013


There are lots of things happening with the planets and stars this weekend.  How’s that for an indisputable fact that doesn’t offer a lick of information you could actually use?  I feel like a member of Congress but without the free medical.

Anyhow, the stars and planets are in a froth like state again this weekend.  Lots of celestial bodies will be contorting, canoodling and careening at weird angles, unstable trajectories and parallel stalking paths.  The end result is that the risks are quite high that many of us will be  filled with unexplainable angst, anxiety and angina.

If you’re wondering about the overuse of alliteration, my 11 year old daughter is studying it at school.   I’m explaining it to her as we speak.  She says she “gets it” and has instructed me to thank you for your patience and understanding.  We can move on now.

Because of the celestial volatility involving Mars, the Sun, Uranus, Capricorn and Mercury, try to be on your best behavior this weekend.  Even the most mundane of conversations and human interactions could lead to friction or conflict.

This is not a time to discuss politics, religion, genetically modified produce or the fact that the Girl Scouts really need to come out with some better cookie options if they’re going to keep selling those shortbread dunkers for $14 a box or whatever it is.  Look at those Samoas™.  What do you get, something like six to a box?  They don’t even absorb milk when you dip them.

In addition, what’s with all the intimidation tactics?  Everywhere I go: the Post Office, the train station, outside of supermarkets, even a highway median in front of a local tavern  –any day of the week, any hour of the day — they’re overflowing with Girl Scouts, some barely tall enough to see beyond the mountains of cookie boxes they’ve stacked on 15 foot banquet tables, waving handmade signs in a menacing fashion while screaming at the top of their little lungs, “Girl Scout Cookies!”   Silently judging, following you with their eyes that suddenly flash with indignation and malevolence when they realize that you intend to pass by without stopping to purchase less than a dozen boxes of the cookies they clearly failed to unload the way God intended, by intimidating their own families and neighbors into coughing up $30 or $40 they need per head to keep the merit badge machine humming.

Look at me.  Here I go doing the very thing I told you not to do.  And on top of that my own daughter, the 11 year old I just introduced you to a couple of paragraphs back is in the Girl Scouts.  All of a sudden, I’m Jack Nicholson in “As Good As It Gets”.  No, that’s not it.  What’s the movie with those twin ginger haired girls who show up and disappear in the hallway?  Got to be “Reds”.  That was a scary movie.

I do have one positive astrological prediction to make this weekend.   If it’s warm, this is the ideal time to have some fun in the sun.  And yes, that is an example of assonance.  My daughter says thanks again.   She also wants you to know that her troop has 574 boxes of Lemon Chalet Cremes™ left so do your part, stop jerking around and break out the checkbook.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

6 thoughts on “Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”, April 12, 2013”

  1. Oh, my God, my dear John,
    those are scary charts you have drawn!

    I am sorry, but poetry is accidental. Reading you is bad for the corners of my mouth that end up aching due to the constant stretch they receive towards the respective ears.

      1. The face lift need not be repeated! As for the chest implant, well, I may need it one of these days. But, for the moment, I am hoping that reading you will do some good to my chest too! 😉

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