Former AIG CEO Maurice “Hank” Greenberg Files Suit Against God

Seth Weni, AP



Former CEO, Maurice (Hank) Greenberg, disgusted with the A.I.G. Board decision not to pursue legal action against the federal government for demanding onerous bailout terms leading directly to a significant decrease in stock prices, has turned his attention to the creator of the universe, filing a lawsuit in both the Federal District Court and the Vatican, charging God the Almighty with reneging on His promise to ensure that Greenberg reaped billions of dollars from a prophesized settlement agreement between the federal government and A.I.G.

“What you saw here today was a travesty, ” Mr. Greenberg told reporters outside of AIG headquarters on Wednesday, “You don’t get to where I am without having friends in high places, and let me tell you, this decision stinks to the high heavens.”

Asked to elaborate, Mr. Greenberg said,  “I’m not getting into details here, but let’s just say I have a direct line.  On November 11th of this year,  I gathered my senior management team to my home in Connecticut and had them get down on their knees on my behalf and pray to God to grant me, I mean the shareholders, the windfall they so justly deserved after being misled by a government that gave AIG $85 billion and then had the unmitigated gall and audacity to tell us exactly when and how they wanted us to pay it back.  I know, I’m just as disgusted as you are.”

Greenberg went on to describe the event of November 11th.  “At the exact moment the prayer ended — I believe the last two words of the prayer were ‘or else’ — I still have the $12 Billion Dollar Settlement PowerPoint Prayer file by the way.  Time stamped, too, should any of God’s legal counsel team be watching over us and taking notes.  Anyway,  at that exact moment my team said in unison, ‘please, in Your infinite wisdom and glory bequeath us this money or else’, the radiator began to hiss and emitted a huge billow of steam that completely fogged up the mirror behind my desk, with the exception of one spot, right smack in the middle.  We all rushed to the mirror and it was there that we discovered the mark was the exact same circumference as a Krugerrand, 32.77 mm in diameter!  There was no question among my team that God spoke to me that day and what He said was ‘Hank, your prayers have been answered’,  and I submit to you that that, sir, is a binding agreement when it comes from a creator of the universe whose sole occupation, after getting set up the first week,  is answering prayers.”

When asked how his attorneys would be able to compel God to appear in court and potentially pay $12 billion to AIG and Mr. Greenberg should He be found liable for failing to move Heaven and Earth to ensure that the AIG lawsuit was filed and resulted in the settlement that the former CEO asserts was prophesized, Greenberg said, “I wouldn’t worry about that.  We know where He lives.”

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

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