All posts by John Hartnett

John Hartnett was born in Jersey City, NJ, grew up in Cranford,NJ, and moved to Los Angeles in 1984 after graduating from Emerson College. He has worked in the restaurant, construction, entertainment and publishing industries as well as several others which thankfully have been suppressed from memory. He moved back to his hometown of Cranford in 1997, where his parents still reside, and is married with three children. His first love has always been comedy and his second love is his wife, but sometimes the order is reversed depending on who's in the room with him. He is the author of the humor collection, "The Barber's Conundrum and Other Stories", also writes the humor blog: The Monkey Bellhop

Can You File a Cease and Desist Order Against Pollen?

Apocalypse Now allergy parody with Marlon Brando.

Dateline Sneezing:  Never have I had  an allergic reaction to pollen as I have this spring in New Jersey.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear a water main broke in my nose.  Tissues aren’t even an option at this point.  In the last 24 hours I’ve moved from sponges to mops.  My head is pounding, my throat hurts and I have a cough that sounds like someone stripping the bark off a tree.   Actually, the cough may be the only good news about this whole pollen business.  The CDC called yesterday and thinks there could be an entire journal issue dedicated to it.

Even my car is covered in a thick layer of yellow pollen and when I attempted to start it this morning, it sneezed seventeen times before the engine turned over.

Why am I telling you this? I’m hoping someone else out there feels worse.  Or better yet has a solution.  Before you suggest antidotes, I’ve tried Zyrtec®, Claritin®, Benadryl®,  honey — the local kind and the cheap kind, closing all the windows, the power of positive thinking, prayer and and completely wrapping my head in Saran Wrap® when going out to get the paper.  So far, no good.

Also, please don’t suggest Yoga because contractually, I’m not allowed to do it.  Since 2002, I’ve been receiving a small monthly stipend to be the official non practicing Yoga person people who practice Yoga can compare themselves against in order to justify how much they spend on Yoga.

I’m sorry to spend an entire blog post complaining but I haven’t felt this miserable since I was ten and my mother dragged my brothers and me to see the King and I starring Yul Brynner on Broadway.

Nothing against Yul Brynner but it’s hard for a ten year old boy to relate to anyone who spontaneously breaks into song, particularly when that person also bears a more than striking resemblance to Mr. Clean.

Come to think of it, ammonia fumes are pretty good for clearing the sinuses.  I’m going to give that a shot.  I’ll let you know.

© The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett