April 26, 2013: Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope”

monkey bellhop, john hartnett, entertainment humor, comedy, comedy writers, humor writers, satire, parody, jokes, humorous jokes, astrology, horoscopes, psychics, predictions, swamiHappy Friday.  Running late on this column as usual, so don’t be shocked if you come across some added filler or grammatical bi-products mixed in with my keen insights and revelatory, concisely honed projections regarding your weekend horoscope.  There are only so many hours in a day and I’m doing the best I can with what I have, just like my neurosurgeon uncle, Dr. Steve Ketchum.  Years ago when I was a kid, Uncle Steve used to let me eat my lunch in the operating room while he was doing brain surgery, and I’d often ask him about the patients and if they’d be ok and I never forgot his comforting response.  “Kid, if they wanted a decent job, they would have got somebody else.”

Words to live by, Uncle Steve.  A man who knew his place in the world.  Six years of which, spanning 1981-1987, was in a minimum security prison in Jim Thorpe, PA.

On to you horoscope.

We just had a full moon yesterday and the vibrations are still being felt between the full moon and the sun (which is always full unless you live in the San Fernando Valley where it is often obscured by smog and alternatively worshiped and known by a different name, “The Glowing Brown Smudge That Heats Our Pools”),  and those sun moon vibrations will continue for the next 24 hours until Saturn’s moons get jealous of all the attention our moon is getting and begin vibrating on their own creating a cosmic stalemate.

What this cosmic stalemate means for you and everyone else in this one size fits all horoscope is that there’s no point in doing anything this weekend.  Stay in bed, don’t answer the phone or the door, don’t talk to anyone unless they have a condiment that is beyond your reach and place your pets and/or children on the honor system.

This is a good weekend to watch television.  Maybe golf, the only sport in the world where elite, professional athletes compete at the highest  level with their wallets, cellphones, car keys and loose change jingling around in their pants pockets.

If you must go out and do things, print out this horoscope and show it to the person who’s making you do them and perhaps they will realize they are spitting in fate’s eye.

For maximum effect, I recommend handing the printed horoscope over without speaking and with a subdued, somber expression.  It’s basically the same way I do it when we’re out to dinner with another couple and the waiter hands me the check and I have to pass it to my wife who handles the cash and is already livid with me for ordering the third bottle of wine as a knee jerk reaction to somebody at the table laughing uproariously at a joke my wife’s heard 148 times before we were married and 648 times after.

My wife suffers from a very good memory. I didn’t know that until after we were married and it was too late.

Finally, since you should have a lot of down time anyway, pay careful attention to your subconscious.  The subconscious is very sneaky and may be saying things about your ego behind your back.   If you suddenly get the thought that you could stand to lose a couple of pounds, for example, that’s your subconscious speaking.   Don’t pay any attention to it.  Unless it turns out you could stand to lose a couple of pounds. If that’s the case, praise your subconscious for its honesty and have your ego give it a brownie or apple turnover as a gesture of good will.

Have a great weekend!

© 2013 The Monkey Bellhop and John Hartnett

6 thoughts on “April 26, 2013: Friday Weekend’s “One Size Fits All Horoscope””

  1. John, what I love about your humour is that it is cuts deep like a sparkling fresh knife, and it never ever sounds laboured. My wife suffers from a very good memory. “ A memorable quote! 😉

  2. I’m the one who suffers from my husband’s very good memory. Since I can’t seem to remember the name of everyday objects, he thinks I’m a moron or insane. I may suffer from his good memory, but I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

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